He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm both gender and math confused
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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