I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
