he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
