u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize