Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i've created a new STD.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
