what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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