i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
