i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
