I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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