He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
