Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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