If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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