This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
