Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
