He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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