my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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