my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
