Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
