I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
