I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
