I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
