Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
