We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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