Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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