I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
