Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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