I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize