I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
