Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize