why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize