Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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