I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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