What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
