nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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