i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
