I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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