I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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