I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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