Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
