She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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