I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
