dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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