Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
