Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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