I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i've created a new STD.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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