every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize