my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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