I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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