ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
