glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize