margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i out mim tonsoeep
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