Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just pee around me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
