I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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