if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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