Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize