OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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