I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
