I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
