Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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