i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
