I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
