I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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