I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
